Manic depressive woodworking with Graham ‘Graham’ Danglemouse

Ta dah! Your finished wooden tea cosy should look something like this. Enjoy!

Another new series on our least favourite web blog please! Yes, that’s what you all shouted to us last week. Some of you shouted it others decided to let us know that they wanted a new series by sending us various things in the post. Thanks particularly to a Mrs A. Coughingcheese from Hull, whose own highly creative death threat was perhaps our favourite out of the hundreds we have received thus far. So here, just for you Mrs Coughingcheese is that new series, from Graham ‘Graham’ Danglemouse, Monkeybroth’s resident manic depressive woodworking expert.

Hello everyone…Graham ‘Graham’ Danglemouse here with the first of my new series. Manic depressive woodworking with me, Graham ‘Graham’ Danglemouse.

I’ve got so much experience in woodworking you couldn’t even believe it. Working with wood is so rewarding and the list of stuff I’ve made from wood is longer than all your arms put together. Put together with wood glue of course!

Anyway, for the first part of my new series, manic depressive woodworking with Graham ‘Graham’ Danglemouse, I’ll be leading you through a step-by-step guide on how to create and craft, from the finest Scandinavian virgin woods, your very own, highly decorative and flexible wooden tea cosy. The nice thing about this project is the ‘wow’ factor and if you’ve got a creative eye you’ll love the veneer finish to this lovely piece.

For the more experienced woodworkers out there it’s also a great chance for you to use some of those specialist items. In particular this project will see you using your Remington Fuzz Away and the Lady Trim 500 automatic bikini line shavette/automatic screwdriver. Just be careful it’s on the shavette setting before putting it back into your wife’s washbag! Not that that affects me too much – Mrs Danglemouse is long gone. Not dead. Divorced. Apparently we didn’t communicate. Still, she said it wasn’t my fault it was hers so that’s something. There wasn’t anybody else too so that is a comfort to me. Anyway, she’s living now with another lady just outside Maidstone. They’re always hanging out together and I saw them once holding hands and cuddling in Budgens, so it’s great that she’s got such a good friend to rely on.  She would have loved this tea cosy.

Right then let’s get started. You might want to extinguish your pipe at this stage and roll up the sleeves of your lumberjack shirt. This is probably a two cups of tea job so if you have a wife make sure she’s got the kettle on. If you live on your own you’ll have to make do with a glass of water.

Step one: Cut out a large tea cosy shape from a piece of wood. If the wood is really thick you won’t have to cut out anything else, but if it’s thin wood then turn it over and cut it again, or something.

Step two: With your two bits of tea cosy shaped wood propped up against something firm, carefully shave and shape the wood using the Lady Trim 500. Set the trim to 180mm on bikini line setting (this may be marked as ‘Heavy set Greek’ or on later models ‘Mediterranean undergrowth’ If you’ve got the US version of this tool go for 230mm – or ‘70s bush’.

Step three: Once you’re satisfied, is anyone really satisfied these days? Not sure I am. But once you are as happy as you can be with the shape, buffer the wood with the Remington Fuzz Away. Go down to 76mm and you’ll affect the tapering zone. Not good. Instead rubberflex the hosepipe on the tool, fetch a pail of water and crankfix the upshot. Then musculate the scamp-pump until it’s oxidised. If you are feeling brave you could manipulate the bagfont until it bleeds green. Don’t over fox it though unless you have got plenty of Kleenex in the house. If you do over fox it just tweak the funk dial on the side until you hit a seam of purple.

 This will prepare it for the final veneer finish.

Step four: This is where you can get all creative. I made a tea cosy for Woodwork for Terrorists magazine a few months ago and used jelly tots and dried banana slices to give it that really professional finish. Do you what you like. Hundreds and thousands might look good. Or just smear cream all over it, whatever. For that lovely, just-stepped-out-of-a-salon professional finish, apply some grease glue and give it a sanding. Around 65mm will suffice but don’t suffocate the harpedge or you’ll end up badgering the hump. If that happens, one option is to coronate the hanky or, alternatively, just sherbet the mayor roughly. If you are doubling up and making one for a friend, if you have any, then the simplest way is to shark the yashmak until the Sherpa laughs.

Step five: Once you are fairly upbeat about how it’s all looking get a tea pot and firmly hammer both sides of your wooden tea cosy around it. Give it another shave and there you go. All done. Looks lovely that. Why not give it as a present or just look at it for a bit?

Brilliant! Well… what a project. That will keep even the most suicidal woodworking fan amused for hours. Don’t forget to tune in for more manic depressive fun with wood next time folks!