Natural wonders – with Jacob BinatonePosted: 10/07/2014 Filed under: Other stuff | Tags: funny, nature, pocket, smutty, snakes, toilet Leave a comment
Often overlooked due to their dour markings, the Pocket Snake is surely one of our most fascinating indigenous Biffordshire creatures.
The uninteresting skin of the Pocket snake is, in fact, one of its greatest defences. In the 1920s, the dandy Biffordshire blades around town would use the quality of their belts as a mark of their aristocratic social status. Only a lowly social climber would ever stoop to a belt made from the pelt of the dowdy Pocket Snake meaning their numbers remained high.
Due to their commonality, and their unusual preferred habitat, they are regarded as a pest by many. The Pocket Snake is attracted by the strong odour of ammonia and thus tend to take up residence in men’s toilets. Indeed, I’m sure you’ll agree that it is almost impossible to use the lavatories at a public house with seeing a Pocket Snake or two.
Because of their unusual choice of residence, the Pocket Snake has developed an extraordinary diet, feasting as they do on urinal cakes. This has caused the species to become the focus of a number of studies headed by the Biffordshire Polytechnic College.
Bryan Flocculation – Assistant Technician explains – “When we first heard reports of the Pocket Snake’s evolving eating habits, we couldn’t understand how the creature had adapted its biological makeup to safely digest urinal cakes. What’s more interesting is that we still don’t. Possibly never will. That’s why we’re studying it I suppose.
“We’ve currently setting up test centres within over 10 local pub toilets so that we can study Pocket Snakes more closely.”
Due to their docility, Pocket Snakes are becoming the pet of choice for trendy youngsters. Many clubs have sprung up to cater for this latest fad and are fast becoming a favourite hangout for the Biffordshire youth.
Dylan O’Ermatron of the Cleft Pocket Snake Handlers explains the attraction – “We get together as often as possible to show off our Snakes. They are such affectionate creatures and love to be stroked and played with.
“They are the perfect pets as they generally don’t grow too big to manage, although our treasurer Clifford has a fully grown adult that is over 12 inches long! That is quite a size for a Pocket Snake!
“They are addictive and difficult to put down as they are lovely to handle – so smooth and sleek. Although I do have to put ‘Little Dylan’ away at dinner time as my Mother won’t let me have him on the table.
“A word of warning to anyone thinking about owning a Pocket Snake though, is to not buy one off the street. I was offered one by a man in a long coat who was hanging around the park the other day. I’m not sure what it was that he showed me, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a Pocket Snake. It certainly wasn’t any species that I’ve ever seen before as it only had one eye.”
Poetry cornerPosted: 04/01/2013 Filed under: Poetry corner | Tags: amusing, funny, guillemot, motorway, Nokia, poetry, toilet Leave a comment
Fried Green Guillemot at the Taunton Deane Services – by Fresty Stables
The pilot of his trusty steed,
Denzel pulled over to relieve his need,
M5 and coffee combo decreed,
A stop at hallowed Taunton Deane
Past the tempting flashing lights,
Slot machines offering cash delights,
Towards the phone shop offering bits,
A charger ancient Nokia’s fit
The Gents beckons with toilet stalls,
A place to let his trousers fall,
To stare hard at urinal cakes,
Or for that movement long since baked
Before his goal was gratefully reached,
His single minded mission was breached,
A stall that once sold travel socks,
Now sells Fried Green Guillemot
Denzel greed now firmly in mind,
Joined the queue for this new find,
But sadly his bladder could take no more,
His shame leaked out on to the floor