Moonman the Apocalyptic – your weekly stars my darlings….

Your weekly horoscope with our resident stargazer Moonman the Apocalyptic….

 Oh there you are my little cosmic angels; look at you, looking at this page just like I predicted you would last week. Well, you would, wouldn’t you because I predicted it last week and I shall predict again for next week too. I would wish you a lovely week ahead my little star benders but I am afraid that’s not looking likely for all of you. Especially you, Sagittarius. You know what I am talking about; it’s dirty and prehistoric so stop it before it falls off. But now, let us join hands and begin our mystical cosmic journey together into the week ahead…

Aquarius

Nope, don’t even think about it. The bank will say no and what do you need a conservatory for anyway? Yes, I know Marjorie thought it might spice up your love life but the moon is rising over cancer on Thursday and the hoover still remains broken. Priorities Aquarius, priorities. Shush now, shush, sleep little Aquarius, sleep.

Lucky horse: The one off of the Lloyds Bank adverts

Pisces

On Tuesday, you’ll fancy crumpets for your tea but don’t go to the store in your slippers, as trouble awaits. Instead fetch your Crocs from the shed and shuffle down there in your dressing gown. You’ve given up anyway haven’t you, Pisces.  And no, don’t bother with your hair. Mr Right won’t be in the Budgens crumpet aisle on a Tuesday evening

Lucky rain: Light drizzle

Aries

With the moon high over Taurus you’ll be eating a lot of cheese this week Aries. Still you like cheese don’t you so that’s going to be okay then isn’t it?

Lucky ball: Tennis

Taurus

With the moon high over Aries, you’ll be eating a lot of ham this week, Taurus. Still you like ham don’t you so that’s going to be okay then isn’t it?

Lucky meat: Mole

Gemini

I had a twin once, Gemini and this week I predict that you will too. On Thursday afternoon I see you standing in front of a silver board, its surface will be as that of mercury. It shall be then when you see your identical twin, sweet Gemini

Lucky cat: Turkish Van

Cancer

These are desperate times aren’t they dear Cancer? Your amazon prime order went over the road to 57 by mistake on Thursday and this week your Sunday newspaper will go to number 43. Mr Spume lives at number 43 doesn’t he and you won’t want to retrieve it. I shouldn’t worry dear Cancer, I predict that absolutely nothing will happen on Sunday and that all the pages of the newspapers will be blank. Hah! Take that Mr Spume! Cancerians ONE Mr Spume ZERO!

Lucky yeast based spread: Marmite

Leo

Don’t spend all week lion around Leo, get up and be the mane man. Take your hands out of your pants while you are at it and go and wash up. It will fall off if you are not careful. Things pick up on Friday when a naked cheerleader will ignore you in the park.

Lucky invertebrate: grasshopper

Virgo

Ah Virgo there you are, the sweetest of all the signs. Be a lamb, and make us a cup of tea would you Virgo? Of course you will, you are lovely. It’s a day for staying under the covers on Tuesday though my stellar superstar – eek! there are bears about in the High Street and they love a juicy Virgo!

Lucky Chegwin: Keith

Libra

Feel me for I am there, see me for I am here, touch me, touch me, I want to feel your body

Lucky page three model: Fox, Samantha

Scorpio

Your new harmonica stroke toilet roll holder will arrive on Wednesday, Scorpio, so just chill in your crib. Well, you should have gone for next day delivery shouldn’t you?

Lucky leg: right

Sagittarius

Don’t bother putting on a long playing vinyl album on Wednesday Sagittarius. It’s not looking good. Oh and that tricky thing at work you have on Thursday morning? I wouldn’t worry about it too much.

Lucky cereal: All bran

Capricorn

The mystical runes are singing your name dear Capricorn this week and an unexpected voucher to redeem against Mr Kipling products before the closing date of 31/8/15 will keep you in with the sisters at the Abbey that’s for sure! Don’t be late for evensong on Sunday and it will be iced fingers all round!

Lucky nun: The one off of Sound of Music